Apr. 7th, 2012

snowylinenland: (Default)
I'm currently at the start of the third of three weeks away; my mother's had a serious operation, and I've come home to be with her. Three weeks away is a long time; my dislocation and isolation here have been enormous. It's also been something I've been worrying about before leaving, and now while gone, especially with regards to my gentlemen lovers.
D, I am less worried about - we've always been long distance, and we do know how to communicate. The timing is not as good, though, here, and my general discomfort has spilled over into our communications, too. (Instead of engaged, excited and exciting, I'm feeling unwell, worried, narrowed in my horizons. It's an all around not-so-good-scene, with the only consolation that my mother's healing well, and this too shall pass.)
The Canadian, I am worrying more about. We need to work out what the current shape of our relationship is after I get back, since it shifted right before I left. (We spent every spare moment together the last 3 days before I left, and it just got better. It seems we do intense well, including breaking my bed twice for the fucking.) The discussion we had my first weekend away (me from the hospital) basically concluded that we meant whatever we are doing very seriously; our time together was *not* casual, and in a sense, nor is our intention.
And then our communication's become haphazard. I don't have anything to report from here; he's become very busy at work. The bit that makes me unhappy is that I know he's also looking to meet up this weekend with someone else he's interested in...and I desire some affirmation of my ongoing specialness, that I won't be replaced just for being far away*. (Even if I'm back in 6 days now.)
What I need from him is more information on how he pursues relationships, on what the implications of our relationship are, on what I can realistically expect might happen for him meeting up with the young lady. Would he take her home tonight if he could? What further views on safe sex does he have? Just how excited about her is he? None of this has been discussed face to face, since he's only introduced the concept of her after I left for this trip.
I need to rediscuss it in person. I need to discover where we're at in person. And I need to keep in focus that I'm currently wanting to lean on him far more than usual (due to being at my mother's), and that he's not meeting my want for huge attention (and love?) may be because that's just how he is, and that I'm normally fine with that. That I'm not now because I'm feeling fragile, but that equally, I just don't have as much to offer right now.
My solution for today: after a peak of "why doesn't he write me back right now?! but I want to talk to him now!" feeling, I've written him a note giving him my best wishes/blessing for the weekend, and let him go. He'll get back when and how he wants, and I won't need to look for it til it comes in. It's a question of trusting that when he said on Wednesday that 'we matter' and that he missed me, it probably still held for Thursday and Friday, and will for Saturday as well. And that that's all okay.

And sleep now, because I know I'll feel better in the morning.

*The sociopath I dated last year progressed his relationships with the other women each time I left; part of the point of the current polyamoury is to be comfortable with what I'm leaving behind when I leave. Seeing someone else when I'm away, though, is as close to a giant button as I could have - I just haven't put it to the Canadian in those terms, because I've wanted to see what would happen, and I've wanted to make it work because it should, not because the stakes are high for me.

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snowylinenland

April 2012

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