snowylinenland: (Default)
[personal profile] snowylinenland
Strange to just see two ex boyfriends (who I dated in a messy overlap) in the same wedding photos from last week, for a couple I don't know. The one I haven't seen or spoken to since 2003, that fiercest first love, appears to look pretty much the same. Wicked sideburns. Neat to see a photo of him for the first time since 2004.
Strange stab of memory today: remembering the first time L and I discussed being in love with each other. I'd worked out some utterly nonchalant, quite sarcastic phrasing of how I felt about him that I was comfortable offering him - it didn't say that I'd fallen for him completely. I was just going to love him without burdening him with the knowledge of it; after all, our supposedly NSA fun (as carefully negotiated by me) was going swimmingly - why complicate it? Instead, some late late night, us curled up facing the wrong way in my bed, we drifted off to sleep and then woke up again, and he asked me to explain my too-cool-for-school comment on really enjoying him, us, this. And that's when I told him I loved him - I remember it being wholly scary. I was being very brave, while still trying to laugh it off. And instead he said he felt the same.

Economists have worked out the value of an 'I love you' - it's more than I've ever earned in my life, and probably will. I hope to continue loving/being loved, though. There's nothing comparable.

It being L, as he's turned out to be now, I have to wonder if he did feel the same way, or just felt peer pressured (or as a power game?) to respond the same way. It doesn't really matter; it felt magical at the time.
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April 2012

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