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[personal profile] snowylinenland
So while I'm here anyway, some thing that have caught my attention recently:

-Party last night, where I kissed the drunk boy, I also had a really interesting discussion with a woman who was a pro-top, not a pro-dom. The distinction really really resonated - I'm a bottom, but I am emphatically not a sub. I'd even say I'm an easily bored and bossy bottom - if I don't like what's happening, or it's not working for me, then I'll absolutely intervene and make it more interesting for me. It's best when my partner is also getting off on what's going on in some way, and I'll do everything possible to accommodate them getting off, but my interest in either psychological power play, and especially humiliation, is pretty damn non-existant. It's phenomenal to finally have words for my little corner, as I experience it. So while I'd love to find someone to play with who will, say, tie me up and fuck me (or even not fuck me), I've no interest in being told I'm a naughty schoolgirl who's pissed off daddy while it's happening. Cue righteous feminist rage at that...

-Texting with the drunk boy! Very exciting, even if it's unlikely to lead to anything, as he lives far away, and is as complexly partnered as he is. And I know nothing about him. But he's stated that future snuggles could be available, which is very attractive in my current frame of mind.

-Poly. Ran into Kitty Stryker's post on poly people (http://ht.ly/7FMDg), and specifically the quote "I was polyamorous for a while, until I realized that I'd have to date poly people, and I don't have enough Vicodin for that". That does sum up my problems with the whole scene - most of my love life has been carefully organised to avoid all drama, and especially in people I'm emotionally attached to. I've got so many better things to do with my time. So her definition as non-monogamous, rather than poly - that makes so so much more sense. Equally, I've recently met a couple that describes themselves as 'classical swingers' - they're both allowed to play with other people so long as the other partner is involved in some way. That's also way more attractive to me conceptually than conventional poly relationships (certainly as I've experienced them. I tend to be fairly single-focussed when in love with someone, while still being up for random sexual adventures. It just fits with my wiring so much better. And I'm much happier with there being some discretion in my sex life - an open poly label would probably bother me immensely. It's been one I've avoided in the past, no matter how many people I was dating.)

-Absolute horrified two weeks ago to discover that when I dumped L, I put all of the fantasies that he'd slotted into (basically anything involving a sexy, willing, adventurous partner I liked and trusted) in a box and slammed the lid shut. No wonder I was so adrift, especially in my masturbation, the last few months. I wouldn't/couldn't enjoy my own favorite fantasies. It took going on a group bike ride with a bunch of dedicated cyclists to force my attention to the fact that 'Oh, yes, I do perve on cyclists' (and one guy very much in particular. Gorgeous gorgeous ass and legs, gorgeous titanium single speed.) I'm appalled I'd jettison nearly all of my fantasy life as part of a damage limitation exercise *without even noticing it at the time*. I've been slowly letting cyclists (and the sorts of adventures I, um, enjoy) back into my fantasy life the past two weeks.

-This slamming shut of my sex and fantasy life as a damage limitation exercise also explains my current fuck buddy, who is wonderfully satisfying in bed in an ultra vanilla way, but who I only jumped into bed with because he's deeply deeply emotionally unthreatening to me, going so far as to be really unattractive to me. But he's enthusiastic and adept in bed, and plugged into a mature and happy swinger's scene, which seems to have socialized him in ways I appreciate for a fuck buddy of mine. (Heck, he even used one of my lines on me: "Now, you're not allowed to fall in love with me". No chance, buddy, but it's very sweet.)

-And finally, so long as I'm reviewing all of my previous assumptions about my sexuality, I'm now also reconsidering my bi-ness. I'm definitely more attracted to men, at least so far. There's a reason I've never slept with a lady (and not just because I find them intimidating). I really really enjoy men, however. I've been invited to an orgy in two weeks that will be largely ladies, which will definitely be my first, into the deep end exploration of the lovely times available with ladies...and I have to say I'm really really looking forward to it. I'll report back when it's over...
But for now, maybe some variation on hetero-flexible is a more useful label...or queer, since I do find androgyny hotter than most other things, and I do have those 3 years of dating genderqueer people, without being bothered by it. (I'd do so again, except that I'm not currently interested in supporting the probable mental health issues that will come with that, which makes me an utterly horrible person.)
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snowylinenland

April 2012

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