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And above all, to thine own self be true
Jul. 5th, 2009 12:05 pmI met up with my ex last night, for the second time since he returned on Tuesday*, to go see a band we both adore in concert (part of his birthday present to me.) He'd spent the previous two days visiting my favorite of his friends, and came back bursting with plans they've made to do fun things this summer, which I did with them all last summer, and which I'm not included in now. Coupled with a very stressful day planned for Monday, I felt horrible. I was not happy over dinner, and was not enjoying being with him--it struck me as a mistake.
The concert fixed that. There was specifically a moment near the end of the opening act, when he was off getting more beer, when I realized that whatever happens Monday, whatever mess I'm in with him, I really like who I currently am. And I'm definitely not the person I was when I first met him--I'm mostly the same, but I've grown, changed, evolved. And that some of the changes (like my interest in the band we were there to see) were things evolved with him, because of him. I could have done a lot worse in my choice of partner for 2007 and 2008, and no matter what happens to me, to us, from here on out, our relationship then was really really good, and I value the effects it's had on me...because by and large, they've been really really good. I'm a richer, wiser, more stable, more interesting and more mature person for having been in that relationship.
And then the concert itself was amazing. The best concert I've been to in at least 2-3 years.
And then we wandered back to my place, and talked, and listened to music and drank more cold beer on a hot night, and hugged, and eventually cuddled, and then, eventually, had incredibly nice sex. I especially liked the bit where I insisted that he make me come, and made him wait for it--he's always been very good turning me on, but not especially talented at getting me off.** It's historically struck me as poor manners to make someone wait a very long time while you play with yourself, but I guess it has everything to do with the circumstances...and inviting them to play with you. While dating him, I became, eventually, very very skilled at turning him on--and it was fun to use this again last night, to push him closer to the edge, to do the things that I know drive him uniquely mad.
Two other things I noticed, during sex?
1. The energy was just not as good as with my friend two weeks ago. Nothing approaching the same sense of wild abandon, of delight. This was hot, but pure comfort. And purely physical.
2. What I was missing last night was emotional excitement about my ex. I don't have it. It's dead. We're having a lot of fun hanging out, but because I'm not seeing this as either romantic or kinky, because of the baggage, because of the ongoing unsettledness of our relationship...I'm missing an emotional context, a frame for me, a narrative about why I'm there, and apparently I need this. I need it to turn me on. We have plans for Monday, after my stressiness, and I'll see if I can start to get us settled in our interactions with eachh other. Even a 'firm friends who have dirty, clandestine sex while lying to the world' story would turn me on more than not having one. One serious possible solution is to just not have sex with him, though I'd prefer to not go that route--because I do enjoy him, his body, the way he touches me.
*We had dinner the day he returned--as near as I can tell, the first thing he did when crossed the border back into the country we live in (and therefore back into national mobile coverage) was to SMS me to ask if I had dinner plans. We had a picnic, talked about where we'd been the last month, and it was good to see him again.
**This was one of the things that I hoped living locally, rather than long distance, would fix--that we'd have time for slow, leisurely, exploratory sex (rather than hasty hungry I-haven't-seen-you-in-a-month sex), and that he'd develop the skills/patience/dexterity/knowledge to push my buttons. This plan failed completely.
The concert fixed that. There was specifically a moment near the end of the opening act, when he was off getting more beer, when I realized that whatever happens Monday, whatever mess I'm in with him, I really like who I currently am. And I'm definitely not the person I was when I first met him--I'm mostly the same, but I've grown, changed, evolved. And that some of the changes (like my interest in the band we were there to see) were things evolved with him, because of him. I could have done a lot worse in my choice of partner for 2007 and 2008, and no matter what happens to me, to us, from here on out, our relationship then was really really good, and I value the effects it's had on me...because by and large, they've been really really good. I'm a richer, wiser, more stable, more interesting and more mature person for having been in that relationship.
And then the concert itself was amazing. The best concert I've been to in at least 2-3 years.
And then we wandered back to my place, and talked, and listened to music and drank more cold beer on a hot night, and hugged, and eventually cuddled, and then, eventually, had incredibly nice sex. I especially liked the bit where I insisted that he make me come, and made him wait for it--he's always been very good turning me on, but not especially talented at getting me off.** It's historically struck me as poor manners to make someone wait a very long time while you play with yourself, but I guess it has everything to do with the circumstances...and inviting them to play with you. While dating him, I became, eventually, very very skilled at turning him on--and it was fun to use this again last night, to push him closer to the edge, to do the things that I know drive him uniquely mad.
Two other things I noticed, during sex?
1. The energy was just not as good as with my friend two weeks ago. Nothing approaching the same sense of wild abandon, of delight. This was hot, but pure comfort. And purely physical.
2. What I was missing last night was emotional excitement about my ex. I don't have it. It's dead. We're having a lot of fun hanging out, but because I'm not seeing this as either romantic or kinky, because of the baggage, because of the ongoing unsettledness of our relationship...I'm missing an emotional context, a frame for me, a narrative about why I'm there, and apparently I need this. I need it to turn me on. We have plans for Monday, after my stressiness, and I'll see if I can start to get us settled in our interactions with eachh other. Even a 'firm friends who have dirty, clandestine sex while lying to the world' story would turn me on more than not having one. One serious possible solution is to just not have sex with him, though I'd prefer to not go that route--because I do enjoy him, his body, the way he touches me.
*We had dinner the day he returned--as near as I can tell, the first thing he did when crossed the border back into the country we live in (and therefore back into national mobile coverage) was to SMS me to ask if I had dinner plans. We had a picnic, talked about where we'd been the last month, and it was good to see him again.
**This was one of the things that I hoped living locally, rather than long distance, would fix--that we'd have time for slow, leisurely, exploratory sex (rather than hasty hungry I-haven't-seen-you-in-a-month sex), and that he'd develop the skills/patience/dexterity/knowledge to push my buttons. This plan failed completely.
